25 Things

1. I am supposed to post this over at FB but since I decided that this blog will be my opening statement there, I just had it typed here (read: I yet have to find out how to post this over FB hehehe).

2. I got an invite for this several days ago and decided I was too busy but now with this very inspiring Saturday morning weather (cold & gloomy!) and too many posts i've read including my sister's, I guess I have to give it a try. Well, I'm already at number 2 in less than 5 minutes so I guess this isn't as nerve wracking as I thought it would be.

3. Self-incrimination is a personal art of mine YET i am aware (read:scared hehe) of web snoopers (for future employment purposes) so I guess I'll euphemise? a lot in the next 22 items. hehehe.

4. Do you just sometimes laugh for some past event spontaneously running in your mind not even the next person has an inkling about? Well I often do, and I laugh crazy and never care if people around think what the hell is happening to me.Crazy.Generic genetic.Bwehehehehe.

5.Ok, I just yawned and got stuck @ #5. I miss Maria.

6.I grew up in the rurals; when I was younger I always wanted to get it out. Now that I am older and living in the city, I see the bliss in a slower pace of life, the greens, the birds and the bees.

7.My bestfriend Wilmar,who has this big talent of being incommunicado for years, & I always remember that "the bluest skies are crystal clear & infinitely high". That saying keeps me sane up to this very moment. Let's talk about it sometime.

8.I love anime! as in anything cartoons. I am nostalgic over the classics though. Thundercats.Uncanny Xmen.Centurions. Nick & Disney's omniscient shows today are different in a sense. I guess there was beauty in scarcity. Somehow.

9.I am too wordy.Verbose.

10. I always thought GORGEOUS was spelled GEORGEOUS. oh boy, my big bad bad. =)

11. Stucked again at #11. I love the mildly cold wind. the gothic weather. I guess in my past life I was a vampire or some sort of nomad in the colder parts of europe.

12. Okay,number 12 and it gets steeper. Ayt, my first book was The Little Prince and I could not get over the boa constrictor that looks like a hat and the baobabs and the fox and that yellow snake with the Prince high up in some desert wall. And my Pa wrote a dedication on the book for my Mom (it was her's and then I grabbed it from her when I was 2;BAD KIDDO) and it said there: "To Wella, Never Grow Up." I still have to talk to my father regarding that.

13. I love my family. No matter how turbulent things were and things may come to be. You can't choose your folks, good or bad. Though its hard for me to say "I love you" to my mom without feeling awfully awkward,I'd die for them.

14. I find most priests big, damn hypocrites. To hell with them. You know who you are.

15. Okay, # 14 got the best of me. But I'll let it stuck for the record.

16. College was the one of the best times. The freedom, the booze, the lustfulness of it all(you fill in the blanks na lang if we are college friends heheheheh).It was turbulent (this is the 2nd time I used this word in a matter of seconds) yet a very intellectual point too.

17. I was 14 when I had my first mad crush. 19 when I fell madly in love. Still the one though, running 7 years.

18. I am technically a marine biologist but years of nonpractice has made me inept.
I never thought I would end up managing businesses, making decisions and all that directly affects people's daily lives. I would always be a child of the sea, loving the marina more than anyplace else. The sun and the blue waters will sustain me.Even at my darkest hours.

19. It's at the darkest when the brightest stars are most seen. And you'll see the grace of a dark backdrop where jewels of light would stand out and offer you hope that beyond the illusions of this world, there is something real out there.

20. I love Christmas! I love the carols, the cold weather, the entire season. I miss the christmases of my childhood, they were the best. It seems to be extinct but I can still smell the season.

21. I am very lazy at the gym.

22. I am generous to a fault.

23. I am stucked again. Oh yeah, I still love alcohol over the weekend and during lunch. Hehehe. I'll definitely be a member if there's an AA in Cebu. LOL.

24. "Wear Sunscreen". That's my mantra since I was 15.

25. Thank you Jaime & Maria. You guys inspired me to finish this. Miss y'all!

untitled

Hi Self,

Here we are again, for the nth time in this lifetime, trying to figure out what I really want. The thing is I have the impression that the world dictates us to want only one thing, something you have to be solely, exclusively passionate about but the thing is I want so many things each at different times and the word to describe it is spontaneous. Grown ups would frown at this I know. I never wanted to be a grown up anyway. Not since I’ve read the Little Prince.

It is past one in the morning on the first day of December and drunken men’s loud, singing (read:shouting) voices are banging my ears at this unholy hour from the 2nd floor bar and guess where my room is: 5th floor. So much for sound-proof materials.

So I am here in General Santos City and the people that matters to me now are in Cebu and enjoying a Friday night as it ought to be while I am here holed up in my hotel room the hotel day trying to pass time and wishing at the same moment tomorrow would never come. On second thought, that’s a scary idea.

I was thinking of resigning from my job right now by January but to tell the truth I am chicken-shit scared to be jobless. I have bills to pay and vices to sustain. But I am always away and though the cash influx is good, I don’t really kinda enjoy it though for the first time I never ran out of cash but still.

I seemed to notice that one of my strongest skills is bringing people together. You see, so many times I have naturally brought people in touch, you know, friends you haven’t seen for a while and I know I have this knack for timing when to call on them when they are actually available. I’m just wondering if this trait is worth 40k a month to some prestigious multinational employer.

So I write on the first day of December 2007 and I worry that…actually I worry about a lot of things. Things that might actually matter or might actually be irrelevant after all. I want to be financially free, to be fluent in Japanese and Spanish and to speak them, flaunting my language skills to people and to secretly jubilate in their admirations when you superficially play a humble tone. I want to be arrogant and be pleasing at the same time. I want to eat all the good stuff and be in a great shape. I want to sing and be admired and not to be in a stage with a fucked-up production crew who doesn’t know what they are doing. I want my family to accept as who I am and not what they expect from me. I hate disappointing them. Much as the rebel that I am, I also want to be loved. I want to be advised but not scolded. I want to have a job but not really a boss that bosses you around. I want my friends around. I want to be with Udi and Ysa. I want to have teas in the afternoon with gingerbread and godfather’s chops for dinner or maybe a mobster meal in roma mia. I want to have a kid. I want to raise a family despite my fears of the firebacks from my childhood mistakes. I want to live my life the way I want to, free from the reins and expectations of other people and of this fucking so-called society. Heaven help me.

I want raw emotions. I want sanity. I want my life.

Bitching Once More

So I whine again. And again, it's my job again. Unsa na man sad ni?

Seriously, I'm thinking of quitting again. I am part to blame maybe because i'm being bratty again but the better part of the reason why I intend to quit is that my managers and company policies suck.Suckers to the damndest point.

SYCOPHANTS!!!!!MAMATAY PA UNTA MONG TANAN!

Now I can hear my beau telling me, "do you ever blame yourself, you-constantly-complaining-brat-good-for-nothing jerk?" hell yeah i blame myself. but my managers arent perfect either, are they?Sige lang man gani na ng uban dira ug pa-iyot to hold on to their positions.

Anyway, I hate this day. Fuck the yellow pages!

xroads of destiny

i borrowed this title from an animation i was watching this afternoon,"aang the last airbender".i have this extreme affinity to cartoons (forever nick fan!) and i get pretty crazy over certain programs.

as usual,predicaments have implored me to write again. apart from sex,writing is my second fix. i can't have both at the same time though.hehehe.

i am now sitting in a lounge chair in a cozy boutique hotel in the heart of downtown davao city. a few seconds ago i was hearing wheels screeching hard on asphalt beckoning a possible road mishap. i would have wanted to order a bottle of beer or maybe a glass of good ole red wine but i still have to take some medicine later for my colds and more importantly to make me drowsy enough not to hear or mind my roommate's choleric snores.

lack of personal space has been an issue of mine since i was 8 years old.i used to have my own room in a family i totally despised then. then, personal space i found in the form of an old battered radio broadcasting bringing loco ricardo diaz all the way from the west coast. rick dee's weekly top forty was my prozac.

a japanese guest a few tables across was babbling in nipongo with a heck of a volume it just reminded me that only my name and a few phrases are all i have left from the months of japanese class i had a few years way back.watashi wa kurisu jan desu.watashi was sukushi nihon go wakarimasu.

when this year began i said to myself that this is gonna be my year after 12 years of tumult and metamorphoses.i am basing this statement to what i experienced 12 years ago when i was at the some sort of apex. it has been more than six months and looking now, yeah, i have accomplished something. but something is not everything. and now in this very moment, i am telling myself that in this life you need not to have everything.

contentment.happiness.values.friends.fears.hesitations.escapism.the decision to face them all hook, line and sinker. as i try to put up these resolutions i realise i need divine guidance and the love of those people that matters to me the most.

i miss cebu, i miss my old life. yes, after a year of work i declare for the nth time that i am burnt-out.i really have no idea how to get through and breakthrough, i just know that i have to.any definite reason i have no solid statement to say.forgive my incoherence.

one day at a time.my microbio professor used to say that.

dear reader thank you very much for lending the time reading part and parcel of my being a drama queen. i myself will review this blog in time and rate this from that point of view.i hope it will be better point of view,i dearly hope so.

Bette Davis Eyes

Being 140

I should have written this when I was on my ride from my old town to dipolog.I should have started writing this when I was on my float rushing to go back to cebu.I should have wrote something when I was 32000 feet above the ground with the pressure change bending my eardrums thin.But no I did not.The classic procastrinator kicked in me.Look at the bright side:I had a few more opening lines scribbled down tonight.Hehe.

Several weeks ago I had this untimely chance to weigh myself in a scale which told me a horrible fact: I have made it to the 140 lbs mark. Something to see as a sign of progress eh? Or something to be alarmed of? I took the latter and it made prozac a necessity.

Since that evening, a lot of things passed through all in connivance to lose an inch or two from my waistline. Spending two weeks in dipolog for work did not do anything positive weight-wise; the abundance and quality of food during my stay only accelerated my gain.Hehe.

In my solitude in the so called orchid city a couple of phone calls startled my sense of childish awe.It was a wednesday or a thursday early morning when my dear friend james called in.How I wish I was there to support you man in those times of uncertainty.Damn geography!

Later that night,an unknown phone call came in and the caller's opening line was "John, kaila ka kinsa ni?".It was my freakin friend Niño whom I thought we have lost to the sino civilisation for good.

Two calls from people a thousand leauges far, one started my day and the other hummed me to sleep laughing. A beautiful coincidence.

Speaking of phone calls, one came in that alarmed me mad.You know who you are. You should have never punched that glass! Look at those stitches around your hand! A cellphone is justifiable to stomp on when your being unfair but endure such physical trauma all due to swine? Its funny that your most serious injury happened when I was not around when all we are thinking is that we are the worst and best thing that happened to each other.

Maybe that is our strongest denominator:the masochist deep within.I love you.

September 8.Late at night I was reminded it was my brother's birthday.I spoke with him.He happened to be in Manila.We met there last weekend.Drank some beer.Spoke about terrible things.You should have told me brother.I am damn guilty in the convenience I was wallowing in when you were barely making ends meet.Such terrible transition! I could have done something,something at the least.You failed me in this juncture.

Six degrees of separation: I was having my short-noticed physical exam in Makati Med last Friday to donate blood for our company president's ill father.When the doctor read I'm from Cebu and asked me if I'm from Sacred Heart I instinctively asked back "you know Larry?"

Now I'm back home and resuming my routine in convincing myself and the public that the yellow pages is a marketplace developer.I haven't lost weight methinks.Maybe I'll get myself into yoga or try the gym once more (and try harder to make it work).
Wishful thinking.

I got a suave haircut though.

Oblivion

Yesterday,Haidee broadcasted a message for some ideas with her latest project:the most beautiful way for the world to end.

And so I asked myself,"Would I like the world to end in some beautiful and conventional manner?Should I not revel in its ugly darkness,a morbid conclusion,a gory foresight come true?"

After a few thoughts,I decided the aforesaid questions are irrelevant for the meantime as I have my Haidee waiting for some inputs.And so I replied:

"Something sudden,abrupt,peaceful but forbidding,painless but drowning,then comes an irrevocable,eternal oblivion."

Ain't concrete,imagery-wise she said.So i went on:

"Like dying in the cold,when everything is hurting but you are too much in pain to feel,then comes the dreamy part where your life flashes at you in a jiffy and then the light goes out for good."

Then all becomes nothing.And nothing becomes everything.