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Hi Self,

Here we are again, for the nth time in this lifetime, trying to figure out what I really want. The thing is I have the impression that the world dictates us to want only one thing, something you have to be solely, exclusively passionate about but the thing is I want so many things each at different times and the word to describe it is spontaneous. Grown ups would frown at this I know. I never wanted to be a grown up anyway. Not since I’ve read the Little Prince.

It is past one in the morning on the first day of December and drunken men’s loud, singing (read:shouting) voices are banging my ears at this unholy hour from the 2nd floor bar and guess where my room is: 5th floor. So much for sound-proof materials.

So I am here in General Santos City and the people that matters to me now are in Cebu and enjoying a Friday night as it ought to be while I am here holed up in my hotel room the hotel day trying to pass time and wishing at the same moment tomorrow would never come. On second thought, that’s a scary idea.

I was thinking of resigning from my job right now by January but to tell the truth I am chicken-shit scared to be jobless. I have bills to pay and vices to sustain. But I am always away and though the cash influx is good, I don’t really kinda enjoy it though for the first time I never ran out of cash but still.

I seemed to notice that one of my strongest skills is bringing people together. You see, so many times I have naturally brought people in touch, you know, friends you haven’t seen for a while and I know I have this knack for timing when to call on them when they are actually available. I’m just wondering if this trait is worth 40k a month to some prestigious multinational employer.

So I write on the first day of December 2007 and I worry that…actually I worry about a lot of things. Things that might actually matter or might actually be irrelevant after all. I want to be financially free, to be fluent in Japanese and Spanish and to speak them, flaunting my language skills to people and to secretly jubilate in their admirations when you superficially play a humble tone. I want to be arrogant and be pleasing at the same time. I want to eat all the good stuff and be in a great shape. I want to sing and be admired and not to be in a stage with a fucked-up production crew who doesn’t know what they are doing. I want my family to accept as who I am and not what they expect from me. I hate disappointing them. Much as the rebel that I am, I also want to be loved. I want to be advised but not scolded. I want to have a job but not really a boss that bosses you around. I want my friends around. I want to be with Udi and Ysa. I want to have teas in the afternoon with gingerbread and godfather’s chops for dinner or maybe a mobster meal in roma mia. I want to have a kid. I want to raise a family despite my fears of the firebacks from my childhood mistakes. I want to live my life the way I want to, free from the reins and expectations of other people and of this fucking so-called society. Heaven help me.

I want raw emotions. I want sanity. I want my life.